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Eastern European Men

With an economy destroyed by communism, Eastern Europe's prices are a steal. We recommend spending your time shopping rather than trying to find a new boyfriend. But if you're intent to find a guy, be ready for the brilliant pickup line:

Him: "Do you speak _________ (insert his language)?"

You: "No."

Him: "You speak hotel?"

One remarkable thing about Eastern European men is their disproportionate size. Most men are short and skinny with monstrous heads and hands. Even little Eastern European boys have giant hands and soon-to-be giant heads. We think the big hands are an anthropological adaptation, where the good thieves bred better thieves. We have no idea about the heads.

Potential Boyfriend Names

Name Pronunciation
Boris boris
Clavdy clav-dy
Dominik DOM-in-ik
Jan jan
Janos jan-OS
Jakub jak-UB
Jaroslav jar-O-slav
Kuzma kuz-MA
Lev lev
Lucian loo-CHEE-on
Martin martin
Oleg OL-eg
Petr PE-tr
Semyon SE-m-yon
Vladimir vladi-MIR
Yuri yu-RI

Four Insights into Eastern European Culture

Eastern European Dogs

Communists aren't allowed to have dogs.

Eastern European Driving

Communists aren't allowed to have cars.

Eastern European Time Telling Abilities

Communists aren't allowed to know the time.

Eastern European Theft

Communists aren't allowed to steal.

Useful Eastern European Phrases

What You'll Want To Say: How To Say It:
Get your hands off my passport. It would be useless to teach you the proper pronunciations for these phrases because whoever you're talking to would pretend not to understand. They'll pretend not to speak German even though they're fluent. They'll pretend not to understand English too. In these cases, speak the international language of hand movements or physical bodily harm or simply run away.
Get your hands out of my pocket.
I don't have any spare change - someone already stole my wallet.
The seal on this bottle of water is broken.
The seal of the second bottle of water you handed me is broken too.
There's no way I'm paying that much for a taxi ride.

How to Meet Him

Trying to find a man in Eastern European is like wandering through the 90s trying to find a beanie baby. All the collectables have been collected. There are more good women than good men and therefore the guys are gobbled up quickly. What's left leaves a lot to be desired.

If you're willing to settle for leftovers, you're Eastern European boyfriend can be found anywhere. Step off the train and he'll ask you if you need assistance. Need a hotel? He just happens to have a crumpled brochure in his hand. Can't communicate with the taxi driver? He'll take care of that too - just don't be surprised if he's getting a commission or trying to steal everything you have. Maybe you can find romance after beating his ass for stealing your wallet/passport/camera/suitcase/shoes/pizza/best-friend. It may not be the most blissful beginning to a relationship, but he'll be impressed by your aggressiveness and eventually succumb to your beauty and force. If you're lucky, you might even score some very nice stolen merchandise... you like jewelry don't you?

Tips for the Date

If you're going to dinner, he'll certainly want to introduce you to his native cuisine. We recommend letting him order and not asking what you're eating until after you've swallowed it. There's a good chance you'll be nibbling on lamb brain or slurping down cow stomach soup. It's better not to know.

What You Should Know about Eastern Europe

You should probably be up on current events (within the last 15 years) because America tends to bomb countries and not give it much press. You should know what you're getting into before visiting a country. When in doubt, just say you're from the English-speaking part of Canada; it was our favorite line. We said to one man and he commented: "There sure are a lot of English-speaking Canadians visiting right now."

What You Need To Know About Eastern European Cities

Belgrade Kids start learning how to smoke here when they're six.
Bucharest The place to buy all sorts of name brand knock-offs.
Budapest Glorified as the best part of Eastern Europe. (Why exactly, we're not sure.)
Krakow Major Nazi concentration camp here.
Ljubljana Capital of Slovenia
Moscow Very cold city.
Odessa Factory for young gymnasts.
Prague Nearly as clich�d as the major cities in Italy.
Sarajevo Sad times.
Sofia They use a crazy alphabet, so try to find pictures and point in this city.
Zagreb Croatia's best.

Impressing His Mother

You won't have to worry about impressing his mother because she's already impressed. You've won her heart and her blessing because you can give her son everything he'll ever need... a Green Card.

Eastern European Girl Competition

Unfortunately we didn't get a chance to know many Eastern European girls. The few we met were very sweet and uninterested in men from their own country.

When You Want Him to Go Away

When you want your Eastern European man to go away, your going to have to run as fast as you can. You might want to consider packing your bags and leaving in the middle of the night because if he can catch you, he will. He's not a mean man by nature, but you're probably the best thing to come around in a while. You're certainly the wealthiest thing to come around, so you're not getting away without a struggle.

Comments

Im a spanish 22 year old boy and I ve found your lousy web through a page specialized in seeking the freakiest sites of the web.I post here because ive just come back from a 3 week trip through Center (not eastern, check a map , you ho!)and I fell ashamed by your stupid coments.Their are not even funny, they are just dumb and offensive, and this can be applied to the rest of the web. Besides, u dont even speak about sex in any section, so my conclussion is that u re a bunch of fat sunburned american whore who spent most of your travellin time eating tons of hamburgers in mc Donalds and havent seen a European dick in ur life. I ve travelled a bit by your stinky country, and besides big cities, i can say its just a horror museum whse dwellers should really be studied by ethnographers specialized in decadent civilizations. I thank god for the inflation that will keep u away from here and please make sure u tell all your sangria-addicted emptybrain friends to avoid Pamplona during Sanfermines , cause they are ruining the festivals with their miseducation and lack of respect.fuck white America!!

Nothing else to say after Antonio.
Antonio You are my hero.

Darling, I know you feel frustrated that you couldn't get a Yuri/Vladimir/Yanosh to fuck you, but if you stopped stuffing your fat ass all day maybie you'ld stand a chance against all the georgous Eastern European woman...


Now you'll say I'm being biased blah blah blah.
Well so are you with you tastless comments. Ofcourse, couldn't expect anything different since America is one tastless country. Ha! There i go again being bisaed tsk tsk... : o

"just say you're from the English-speaking part of Canada"....no honey...you are a liar, not a Canadian.....fucken american branch of monkey....

Why all the hostility toward these girls you don't even know? Are there really that many countries where people have no sense of humor?

Antonio, learn how to spell. I hope you get a horn up your ass at the next Sanfermines.

Ana, while the lovely women of Eastern Europe might grace the finest strip clubs in all of Yonkers, NY, sorry to say that some men in the world actually like women who have brains.

Keep up the good work ladies!

M

what can i say ... brainless stewpid bitches

A short guide to American stupidity

I dont get it... If they got to know Eastern European men why are they complaining when all they will get back home is "dateraped" or whatever their American word for sex is. Indeed, they did not have sex while on thier waste of time and money.
And if they went through, what do they call it in America, Eastern Europe (you can't possibly expect them to realize that it consists of different countries) and didn't get laid, well we are dealing with real, what's the American word, ah, yes, "dawgs".
And isn't that sweet, one of their male countrymen jumping in to defend them... I am not surprised that he finds them "intelligent" you have to understand, intelligence is something very rare in their country and they couldnt possibly recognize it if it hit them with a aluminium baseball bat over their empty craniums (spelling satisfactory so far?). I am also not surprised that he knows the ethnic background of the women in "strip joints", he probably frequents them more than nis own home, and could not get sex unless he paid for it anyway (another grand American tradition - prostiution. That's what built that great nation).
In the end, she (or they) do not know what countries their country bombed... Well, you cant expect them to find their way arond a TV remote control either - so many digits, so many letters, hence leaving them dangerously under informed. God forbid, if they wander into one of those "savage Eastern European nations" in which they obviously behaved like idiots, and then decided that they were disliked for their nationality, it's also not thier fault, they are too arrogant to see when they are making asses out of themselves anyway (another great Ameirican way -arrogance - they couldnt survive without it, lest they should face how idiotic they are).
Nations of Europe should find ways to protect temselves from offal coming form the other side of Atlantic (not counting Canadians, my heart goes out to them for suffering such an intolerable neighbour). We managed to export all the riff raff, thieves, rapists, murderers, troublemakers, degenerates and other trash to America and now they are coming back spilling their "culture" and their "tradition" on us. The worse is, they seem to think they are just, righteous and holier-than-thou, when in fact, and as seen in the example of these (well I suppose we can call them) women, they cant even land a guy for a quickie, and then be stupid enough to complain about it!

Yuri,

You call Americans arrogant yet it is you who lumps all Americans into one category. America is a continent, by the way, and The United States is only one of many countries in it. Within the US, there are many kinds of people, ignorant and intelligent alike.

I'm not sure what country in Eastern Europe you are from, but if it wasn't for America you would probably be speaking Russian or German now.

I'll ignore your spelling errors. You are obviously somewhat intelligent and even though English may not be your first language you have gone to great lengths to articulate your point. But in the end, your point is still flawed. It is you who feels somehow superior to Americans. It is you who thinks of people in terms of stereotypes. You talk about the fact that Americans are ignorant of Eastern Europe, and yet you obviously know nothing about America.

And you have chosen the website of 2 girls as your launchpad. Who cares whether they had sex in Eastern Europe? Do you not realize that the very title of this website is meant to be a joke?

I hope you don't take offense that I have to inform you that nobody from Eastern Europe should have the gaul to insinuate that prostitution is a uniquely American achievement. Do you hate women so much that you blame them for the profession that your broken economies make necessary for so many? You might disagree with my views, but don't write such ridiculous things. It really makes you look like a fool.

While I won't waste my valuable time to refute all of the inaccurate statements you have made, I regret to inform you that you did not export your riff raff to America. Many educated and professional people have come here from all over the world by CHOICE. And it is easy for you to hate America, indeed much easier than actually doing something to make your life any better. Hate is so much easier than change.

To Marko: From Russia with respect

Oh, sorry did I offend you. Or does truth simply hurt..?

1. Language: No matter what you think of my English, your Russian is probably nothing to mention, so show some respect since I obviously command your mother tongue better than you. I also speak several other languages besides
English, written as well as spoken more than fluently. As for your silly remark that "I would probably be speaking Russian or German if it wasn't for Americans", I speak both of these languages anyway, no thanks to Americans.

2. Americans: I did not have to "lump all americans into one category" most Americans do it themselves just like these two girs displayed THEIR arrogance and ignorance, and found it fit to make a web site about their boring and uneventful lives, and insulting peolpe in the process (not me per se, bu there are many offended people that reacted to their rantings).

3. "and yet you obviously know nothing about America": Son, I lived in America for 6 years, and most of my friends are academics, scholars and journalists, and I know probably better than you do how smart some Americans can be. However, what I saw in America, the vast majority of exceptionally ignorant yet arogant people who will not admit when they are wrong even if they had a gun to their head is what makes me react. I recognized that in them, and that set me off. What do you know about Russia? What you saw in James Bond movies? Or maybe you will take the word of these two airheads (the only two words of contribution from America to the English language: bimbo & airhead, and they both apply to these two). It seems that, by you, ignorance is when someone tells you are wrong, and correcting other Americans is a sacrilege, which is the pinnacle of arrogance!

4. "Lunchpad?" "a joke?": I dont quite follow (not because of my language skills, but because of your vague way of expressing, so characteristic for your country) but I will try to respond. If I joked about 9/11, there would be a torrent of abusive messages "condemning" my "insensitivity" and what not. Yet on another page of this web site about Belgrade and Serbia Albanians and Americans are cheering the murder of innocent Serbian civilians who were killed in the NATO air strikes in 1999, something far worse than the terorist attacks on New York and DC. I have visited Serbia on many an occasion, nothing these two said about it was true. I speak Serbian as well , and I do not believe there is a more hospitable nation in the world. If they were not accepted there, it is probably because they behaved like the two idiots they are, and idiots are not welcome anywhere (remeber this in case you intend to travel). I had that in mind, and I was greeted warmly wherever I went.

5. "While I won't waste my valuable time": Let me point out something: you already did! Not only did you waste time, but you are making bad points as well. I would like you to refute my wrong statements, I would like you to show me how wrong I am. You simply can't. Your statements reflect a deep indoctrination of your baseless national pride, shows that you never stopped to think whether you or anyone of your countrymen (or women)are right and you keep waving flags and pointing out just how ridiculous it looks. You really believe that all the people only want to move to USA? You really think that I hate you or your country? Co-relate your arrogance to other people's reactions and you will find that there is a pattern: arrogance spawns more arrogance, and violence breeds more violence. I have done a lot to change my life and the lives of the people around me, I do not hate you, I just want you to understand, but It sems that I am the one wasting time...

Last but not least: Why do the Canadians, who share this grand continent of yours call you Americans? They are very careful to make a point of them being something very much different than "Americans".

You seem young, you might yet learn and become a beutiful human being, but not if you dont question things.

P.S.
"America is a continent, by the way, and The United States is only one of many countries in it": I suppose three countryies (USA, Canada and Mexico) are "many" to you...
Yes, I'm sure I'm wastingf time!

Yuri, there are more than 3 countries in America you fool. There are many countries in South and Central America which elitists such as yourself obviously have no knowledge of.

Apparently my being understanding of your mediocre English skills did nothing to soften your abrasiveness. It's clear there is much that I wrote that you misunderstood. If you care so much to "change people's lives," why don't you take the time to make sure you really know what you are responding to so virulently?

You are not the only one who speaks more than one language, so forgive me if I'm not impressed.

Just one more thing. What I know about Russia is that nobody from Russia can take the moral high ground. How many have been killed by your military in Chechnya and the Caucauses? And you have the audacity to imply that America is somehow the only country guilty of such transgressions? If Russia had their way, there would be no Serbia. It would be called "Russia."

By the way, why did you spend 6 years in such a terrible country? With such a negative opinion, you obviously tried to enjoy all of the things that this terrible nation afforded you.

Once again, you may disagree with the accuracy of what these girls have written about Serbia. What you fail to realize is that their account was not meant to be accurate. It was meant to be humorous. And it's also their opinion. But it doesn't surprise me that you would be threatened by views other than your own.

Good luck Yuri. I hope you realize how wrong you are one day.

As I said, I was obvoiusly wasting my time. You are still responding in your chidish manner...

But I cant resist (goddamit), and I obvously do not care when I stoop low. Yeah, I admit when I'm behaving silly... It must be becasue I like to teach (lecture) so much.
No points by numbers this time, but if my english is mediocre, you should not speak. Just forget about english (you must have browsed through a dictionary to come up with that one bomabstic sentence). And we were talking about NORTH America, were we not? How many countries there, or do you need to consult the dictionary once again?
And you have the audacity to compare Chechnia with Vietnam, Japan, Germany. Serbia and Iraq (I could add Somalia to that list. Yes I will come to think of it).
Living in America: well I was actually asked to come because of my professional skills and because I was at the time married to an American woman and she really wanted us to be there. You seem to see things in a 2 dimentional way, life for you seems to be taking, when I was actually giving something to your country. To stop you from further implying something ridiculous (and you probably would) I dont even have the "so much desired" Green Card, I have a dual citizenship and the other country is in Europe.
There are many, many people that speak several languages, maybe even better than me, but you obviously do not know them , and the way you are reacting to things, it seems you never will.

I'm actually growing really fond of you due to our little corespondance, but please, dont post anything anymore, you just reaffirm the arrogance and ignorance I mentioned before...

Your website(by american women) is one of the reasons I am going back to Europe.

To Yuri-

For the most part, I agree with you. Many, many people from the US are ethnocentric, ignorant and intolerant. One of my best friends is from Spain and I see and hear about the ignorance she has to deal with every day..."Do you like tacos?" "Do you have cell phones in your country?" I worked at a water park last summer with many people from all over Europe, and was disgusted at the way they were treated by the managers and yuppy teenagers. Poor Gintarre, Pavol, Petra, Vilus, and Katja (spelling?) were given nice American nicknames so the supervisors wouldn't have to trouble themselves with "difficult" pronounciations.

All I ask is, give us a chance. We're not all like that.

I'm not sure what to make of this website, girls, and I understand it was meant as a joke, but apparently it didn't come off as intended. It looks to me like you're just encouraging the common stereotype of people from the US and making it difficult for people like me to convince anyone otherwise.

To Patty:

To all people that make an civilized approach in the manner that you did, Patty, I am more than willing to give first second and third chance, and I know not all Americans are like that. I also apoligize to you for some of my previous statements about Americans uttered in the heat of the moment, and I have to admit I wanted to get Markos goat, more than making an objective commentary about Americans.
As for this site - a bad joke....

Hey Antonio, "fuck white america", well I'm a spanish too, and unless you're one of the black, arabian or asian minorities I think you must be quite white too.
Spaniards are europeans, not mexicans as many yankees think.

Eastern Europe countries are cheap?? You should go shopping downtown Moscow babe, one of the most expensive cities in the world. It's funny how the yankees stereo-type the other countries (maybe because most of them haven't gone further from Baton Rouge (Louisiana) by the way, will they even be able to pronounce that!?

Communists aren't allowed to have cars?? Maybe in North Korea, cuz I can assure you there are many cars in Cuba and China. By the way, nowdays no countries in Eastern Europe are communist now.

Hey Yuri, that was fun but also sad. Yes, it's true that many foreigners say stupid shit about Spain. "Do you have cell phones in Spain?" haha...in fact, in Spain, 90% of the people has one cell phone or more than one. I live in Madrid and it's not uncommon for me seeing 10 years old kids talking by their cellphones on the streets.

Oh, russians killed people in Chechenia, yeah sure. What about americans in Vietnam, Irak, Yugoslavia, Germany, Korea, Japan, Somalia and so on?

You can blame me as much as you want after it, don't care it.

I'm not really too offended by the comments about Americans, because most of them are true to varying degrees.

I also wanted to make a comment about the use of the label "Americans." I spent two months in Costa Rica and the Ticos consider themselves very much to be Americans. (I learned this the hard way after being tersely corrected when I said I was from "America.") The problem is, there is no word in English for "people from the United States." This could be yet another example of gross ethnocentrism, but could also be an explaination- albeit a weak one- for the use of "American" to mean "person from the US" in certain conversations.

Let me add my own contribution to the web page...

German men- Tend to have a great sense of humor, are more knowledgeable about the world than "American" men.

Slovakian men- I'm biased on this one, but a Slovakian guy was responsible for opening my eyes to parts of my own culture I had never thought about before.

Spanish men- from what I've heard from my Spanish friend, Spanish men love to have a good time and many of them could drink any frat boy under the table.

It is also a major cultural difference that non-Jewish European men aren't circumcised nearly as commonly as men from the US.

Here's what it comes down to. There are kind, generous people in every country. There are assholes in every country. I just wanted to make some positive comments- based on my personal experiences with people from these countries- to balance out the negative ones.

NEWS FLASH: The United States is not the center of the world. Everyone does not wish they lived here. Many people outside the country resent us for thinking that.

And a final word of advice- Try traveling with respect, consideration, and an open-mind for the people and places you visit, and you most likely will not encounter so much hostility.

Well, I'll take your word on the circumsision, frankly that is a little more info that I wished for...
You are right, it's a big thing how you behave when travelling, after all, people will tend to judge, not only you, but also your country based on contact with you. Being a good guest is another thing that I think is important, and also decides how your hosts will treat you.
And yes TC, almost too many cell phones all over Europe, especially in the East European countries. I'm surprised that Americans would ask that, there are fewer mobile telephone services (networks)in the US, and I could be wrong here, but I think none of them cover the whole country. They had an attempt in the early nineties for an integrated service, but all the companies wanted the monoply so in the end the nobody made a comprehensive network, partly because of the physical problems of covering such a great area with relays.

WOW!!!
And I thought, that this site should be funny!?
Poor american girls, you're only kidding a bit
and every idiot in this worldis going crazy
and spits up all his hate...
So, you seem to be right with your analyzation of
stupid men :-)

I like your site!


Good thing you are a stupid woman Mat...

Good thing you are a stupid woman Mat...

Yes Antonio, Spaniards are WHITE and European unlike Gypsies or Mexicans. Why that comment?

I am really impressed by the polemics between marko and yuri and about patty's comment(by the way:Patty, you are just great!)
I am glad Marko doesn't always think in cliches(my english isn't too good, but I hope he'll understand me).What cliches? Well, those of the eastern european girls doing prostitution in america.
About America stopping eastern europe from speaking german or russian:it is thanks to america too that central and eastern europe came into russian influence(I am talking about the Yalta agreement)And they didn't freed central and eastern europe of the germans either-it was the russians and their allies(for example romanians, yet they were not allowed by the russians to go with them to berlin-yet they managed to free slovakia together with the russians).
Russians must know they are not verry loved in some parts of eastern europe-well, their serb brothers may love them, but what about the poles(also slavic brothers) or romanians(who are latin, yet this doesn't matter here)? I must admitt i am quite a russian hater myself, though I love russian culture.And I know I should hate the soviet governments who had done so much harm to us smaller countire in eastern and central europe and not the people. I also know russia just behaved like an imperial power, as america does today(yet america seems to me less brutal than russia).I hate to admitt it, but there will be always stong countries who take benefitt from weaker ones(Yet this cannot stop me from hating imperialist attitude and imperialism).
sever

   

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