Eastern European Men
With an economy destroyed by communism, Eastern Europe's prices are a steal. We recommend spending your time shopping rather than trying to find a new boyfriend. But if you're intent to find a guy, be ready for the brilliant pickup line:
Him: "Do you speak _________ (insert his language)?"
Him: "You speak hotel?"
One remarkable thing about Eastern European men is their disproportionate size. Most men are short and skinny with monstrous heads and hands. Even little Eastern European boys have giant hands and soon-to-be giant heads. We think the big hands are an anthropological adaptation, where the good thieves bred better thieves. We have no idea about the heads.
Potential Boyfriend Names
Four Insights into Eastern European Culture
Eastern European Dogs
Communists aren't allowed to have dogs.
Eastern European Driving
Communists aren't allowed to have cars.
Eastern European Time Telling Abilities
Communists aren't allowed to know the time.
Eastern European Theft
Communists aren't allowed to steal.
Useful Eastern European Phrases
|What You'll Want To Say:||How To Say It:|
|Get your hands off my passport.||It would be useless to teach you the proper pronunciations for these phrases because whoever you're talking to would pretend not to understand. They'll pretend not to speak German even though they're fluent. They'll pretend not to understand English too. In these cases, speak the international language of hand movements or physical bodily harm or simply run away.|
|Get your hands out of my pocket.|
|I don't have any spare change - someone already stole my wallet.|
|The seal on this bottle of water is broken.|
|The seal of the second bottle of water you handed me is broken too.|
|There's no way I'm paying that much for a taxi ride.|
How to Meet Him
Trying to find a man in Eastern European is like wandering through the 90s trying to find a beanie baby. All the collectables have been collected. There are more good women than good men and therefore the guys are gobbled up quickly. What's left leaves a lot to be desired.
If you're willing to settle for leftovers, you're Eastern European boyfriend can be found anywhere. Step off the train and he'll ask you if you need assistance. Need a hotel? He just happens to have a crumpled brochure in his hand. Can't communicate with the taxi driver? He'll take care of that too - just don't be surprised if he's getting a commission or trying to steal everything you have. Maybe you can find romance after beating his ass for stealing your wallet/passport/camera/suitcase/shoes/pizza/best-friend. It may not be the most blissful beginning to a relationship, but he'll be impressed by your aggressiveness and eventually succumb to your beauty and force. If you're lucky, you might even score some very nice stolen merchandise... you like jewelry don't you?
Tips for the Date
If you're going to dinner, he'll certainly want to introduce you to his native cuisine. We recommend letting him order and not asking what you're eating until after you've swallowed it. There's a good chance you'll be nibbling on lamb brain or slurping down cow stomach soup. It's better not to know.
What You Should Know about Eastern Europe
You should probably be up on current events (within the last 15 years) because America tends to bomb countries and not give it much press. You should know what you're getting into before visiting a country. When in doubt, just say you're from the English-speaking part of Canada; it was our favorite line. We said to one man and he commented: "There sure are a lot of English-speaking Canadians visiting right now."
What You Need To Know About Eastern European Cities
|Belgrade||Kids start learning how to smoke here when they're six.|
|Bucharest||The place to buy all sorts of name brand knock-offs.|
|Budapest||Glorified as the best part of Eastern Europe. (Why exactly, we're not sure.)|
|Krakow||Major Nazi concentration camp here.|
|Ljubljana||Capital of Slovenia|
|Moscow||Very cold city.|
|Odessa||Factory for young gymnasts.|
|Prague||Nearly as clichï¿½d as the major cities in Italy.|
|Sofia||They use a crazy alphabet, so try to find pictures and point in this city.|
Impressing His Mother
You won't have to worry about impressing his mother because she's already impressed. You've won her heart and her blessing because you can give her son everything he'll ever need... a Green Card.
Eastern European Girl Competition
Unfortunately we didn't get a chance to know many Eastern European girls. The few we met were very sweet and uninterested in men from their own country.
When You Want Him to Go Away
When you want your Eastern European man to go away, your going to have to run as fast as you can. You might want to consider packing your bags and leaving in the middle of the night because if he can catch you, he will. He's not a mean man by nature, but you're probably the best thing to come around in a while. You're certainly the wealthiest thing to come around, so you're not getting away without a struggle.