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French Men

A woman once told us that French men are so "well-adjusted" because they're not victims of their mothers. They're not spoiled like American boys so they have a chance to develop a sensitive side. We'd like to know what sensitive side this woman was talking about. Did she mean the side where he chain smokes, blows it in your face, tells you that you're too fat/skinny and that he doesn't like your hair? Maybe she meant the side that almost hit you with his car as you crossed the street, in the pedestrian zone, with the "cross now" light flashing. That's all the sensitivity we've seen in Frenchmen.

Potential Boyfriend Names

Name Pronunciation
Antoin anne-tw-ON
Claude Cloud
Fran´┐Żois Fran-SWA
Guilliom GEE-yum
Henri ON-ree
Jean jz-ON
Jean-Jacques jz-ON JZACK
Jean-Luc jz-ON LOU-ck
Jean-Pierre jz-ON pee-AIR
Laurent Luh-RAUNT
Luc LOU-ck
Marcel Mar-SELL
Michel Mee-SH-ell
Philippe fill-EEP
Rene ren-AY

Four Insights into French Culture

French Dogs

Visualize a French dog. Are you thinking of a snobby little poodle with ribbons in her hair prancing like she's God's gift to the animal kingdom? You've got it, but don't discount big, fuzzy, sloppy dogs: sometimes they're French as well. The only common denominator with French dogs is their owner's adversity to cleaning up after them. The French found it easier to create a superstition about stepping in shit being good luck rather than picking it up. Don't be surprised if you find some good luck in a boutique, restaurant, or even a nightclub. They take their damn dogs everywhere.

French Driving

French drivers fall somewhere between the erratic Italians and the obedient Germans. What sets them apart are their attitudes. Make a small mistake and a chauvinistic male pig driver will honk, yell, and flail his arms at you. A few miles down the road, however, he'll forget you crossed him because he'll be busy cursing out someone else. Piss off a woman driver and she won't outwardly misbehave. Instead, she'll follow you forty miles and run you off a cliff.

French Time Telling Abilities

Is this the place where we're supposed to toss in some joke about the French never winning a war?

French Theft

French people aren't known for theft, but we've known a few victims. A friend of ours had her wallet, passport and camera stolen from the purse on her shoulder while she walked down the street. Though not a leader in theft, the French have their fair share of crafty thieves.

Useful French Phrases

What You'll Want To Say: How To Say It:
Chauvinist is a French word, right? show-van-EEST ett oon moe frawn-SAY, no?
Does your mom hate me or does she glare at everyone that way? esque-KUH son mare ett oon bet new-ARE?
If feminist means I refuse to clean your apartment, then I suppose I am one. beh-SAY twa.
I'm from the English-speaking part of Canada. jay nay swee pa A-mare-ican.
Let's order another bottle. DUH-OWN-ay muh-wa vin.
This food sucks, where's McDonald's? Jem la quiw-SEEN frawn-SAYS.
Your language is ugly. beh-SAY twa.

How to Meet Him

We're not sure where you'll find a good Frenchman, but we can tell you where not to look. No self-respecting Frenchman would be caught dead at an American establishment like EuroDisney or McDonald's. When EuroDisney opened, they enforced a no alcohol policy that didn't go over well with the French. Citizens boycotted the theme park even after they allowed alcohol. Then there's McDonald's - the French farmers protest because their work is becoming obsolete and the French citizens protest because le Big Mac tastes like vomit. It makes sense that a Frenchman wouldn't hang out on an American establishment; they're trying to get English words like "email" out of their language and trying to get American corporations like Wal-Mart off their property.

Tips for the Date

Though famed for elegant perfumes, the French historically love to stink. You know the thing in the bathroom that looks like a miniature urinal? It's actually a sink to wash your genitals. You'll never see them in America because we believe personal hygiene should be taken care of in the shower once a day, not in the bidet once a week. It's important to note these cultural differences because if you're dating an old-fashioned Frenchman you'll want to avoid showering for at least 72 hours prior to a date to be "natural."

What You Should Know about France

You won't be expected to know a damn thing about France because you won't be expected to participate in a conversation. A Frenchman will take you to a French restaurant with French cuisine and talk about French culture and French life. He'll have an opinion on everything and direct the conversation in the way of art, politics, and history to demonstrate how cultured he is. All this blather and he'll expect no contributions from you. If you stand up for yourself, your country or your gender, he'll brand you a crazy American feminist. If you smile a lot, he'll think you're an airhead. Just keep your lips pursed and give an occasional nod.

What You Need To Know About French Cities

Bordeaux Best of the seven wine regions in France.
Calais Go here to book it to England via the ferry.
Corsica Island near Italy, birthplace of Napoleon Bonaparte.
Dijon Mustard - duh.
Lourdes The Virgin Mary is said to have made a few visits.
Monaco The original Monte Carlo: come dressed well, bring lots of money, lose it all.
Nice Many international trains end here.

Watch Saving Private Ryan to understand.

Paris Worst place in the entire country.
Sangatte Connects to England via the Chunnel tunnel - 23 miles of tunnel are underwater.

Impressing His Mother

Sorry girls, but you'll never impress his mother. She's French and you're not. You're dating her son and she's not. That's two strikes already. If your French boy fails to make a proper introduction between the two of you, you're in big trouble. Under no circumstances are you allowed to introduce yourself.

French Girl Competition

French girls are nasty. It's not that they're mean people (maybe they are) who are trying to be rude (maybe they are), their social structures are just different. While American girls aspire to be well-liked and have bunches of friends, being popular is the last thing a French girl wants. The French believe mass social acceptance signifies a weak character. If everyone likes a girl she must be fake and uncomplicated. To preserve her reputation, a French girl is not going to be warm and welcoming. In fact, she'll be as bitchy as she can to insure your animosity.

When You Want Him to Go Away

Fortunately a Frenchman understands the word "no." He may follow you around the city for days, but when you finally get up the nerve to tell the pretentious, chauvinistic prick to kiss your derriere, he'll take the hint. If you're in a good mood, you don't even have to resort to rudeness. You can give him two or three or four (depending on the region) kisses on the cheek and say "Au revoir."

Critically Acclaimed French Films
Beau Pere (Bertrand Blier): A touching film... a man loses his wife in a car accident then has a steamy affair with his fourteen year-old stepdaughter.
Delicatessen (Jean-Pierre Jeunet and Marc Caro): A landlord in the post-apocalyptic future feeds tenants the corpses of apartment superintendents he killed - such a mockery of French cuisine.
Le Souffle au Coeur (Louis Malle): Another touching film... a troubled young boy has a heated love affair with his mother.
Ma Vie en Rose (Alain Berliner): A man wishes to be a little girl so he undergoes a sex change only to be shunned by friends and family.
Monsieur Hire (Patrice Leconte): A lonely middle-aged pervert watches a young girl undress and/or get it on every night. She takes advantage of the situation and frames him for a murder her boyfriend committed.


This was one of the few pages in your book without hate mail, and it looked so lonely. Here's some:

"Ooh la la! Ow can you say all of that about French men eh? You are silly Americans who would not know good automobiles if it bit you in the Peugot!"

*ba dum ching*

eh, c'est bien! Les Francias sont tres stupide et tous les hommes sont bete! oui oui!

The French do take their language very seriously. Tell them that the Canadians speak it better than they do. That will really piss them off.

And I really hope they stop nuclear testing in Tahiti. What kind of sick culture blows up bombs for fun in paradise?


I like the French girls..at least they have a lot of pubic hair and are always in for some good sex...Are you American girls also like this???


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