How to Find a Man in Europe and Leave Him There

Germans are an uptight breed and they have a rule for every occasion. When there aren't any rules to follow, they're happy to make up a few. If you're surrounded by Germans, you're likely to hear the phrase, "Noooo, it is not possible," repeated several times. Many things are impossible in Germany. It is impossible to change plans after they've been made, to make funny jokes, to smile at a stranger, to help an old lady across the street, to prop your feet on an empty seat in the train, and a variety of random things you normally wouldn't think twice about doing.

Sometimes Germans make these "rules" just to argue with you. A German man thinks arguing is fun. Just argue back for a while and before you know it you'll have him laughing (maybe) and buying you a beer for being such a good sport.

Perhaps the need to conform and follow rules stems from a German's childhood. In America, bullies pick on schoolboys, but in Germany, everyone picks on schoolboys - even the teachers who are supposed to rescue them. If a student doesn't behave exactly as his teacher wants, she'll have no problem humiliating him in front of the entire class. We knew a guy whose teacher laughed at him and called him a "lazy bitch" because he performed poorly on an exam. Ouch.

Kids don't just get it from teachers either. They get it from every adult - even strangers. We watched a young boy round the corner on his bicycle. A woman came around the other way and they collided. After the little boy picked himself off the ground the woman began yelling, angry because he hadn't watched where he was going. There was a restaurant near the accident and a waiter and a couple customers intervened and yelled at the child as well - never mind the woman was just as much to blame. The poor kid rode away sniffling and the adults were smug.

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Four Insights into German Culture

German Dogs

German dogs don't do cutesy dog tricks; they're too good for them. They won't shake, rollover, play dead, run circles, jump rope or kiss on command. And never ever, no matter how desperate and in heat it is, will a dog hump your leg. A German dog wouldn't be caught dead humping a leg.

German Driving

Sections of the German Autobahn (freeway) don't have speed limits and the stretches with limits are set reasonably - no 55 mph crap. Germans aren't wrecking and dying at monstrous rates because there's no LA-inspired traffic weaving. Germans pass only on the left. The far left lane is reserved for cars that are merely a blur when they fly past and lanes get slower and slower to the right.

Bicycling is very popular in Germany too. It's so popular that there's a line drawn down the middle of many sidewalks - half the sidewalk for walkers, half for cyclists. Bikes come equipped with miniature bells and they get a lot of use. You'll recognize the dingdong of a bell because it's identical to the one on your first tricycle. However, if a cyclist rings at you in Germany, it's not to say hello. He wants you to move. If you get out of the way and let him pass, don't expect a hand wave or a "Danke Schoen." If you don't move, he'll plow you down or come frighteningly close. It's your choice.

All the hype about German efficiency comes to a halt at four-way stop signs. Europeans do not understand the concept of line formation or one-at-a-time and Germans are no exception. Instead of smashing into one another, as is customary in many countries, Germans yield to car on their right. As you know, a four-way stop is a square, so there's always someone on the right. As they can't break "the rules," there is often a long, confused delay.

German Time Telling Abilities

Did a German say he'll pick you up at 8? He meant 7:59 and 59 seconds and he expects you to be ready. German punctuality is extreme and fashionably late doesn't exist. Remember that attention to the clock is critical if you've got a dinner invite to your future in-laws' place.

Germans also save time when speaking. Every language cuts corners when it's spoken, but German takes corner-cutting to another level. When ordering from a restaurant, a German would not say: "I'd like to have the schnitzel and fries, please." He'd simply demand, "Schnitzel and fries." Germans have weeded most niceties out of their language; being polite takes too much time. In Munich we got a list of apartments for rent and called several numbers. Rather than saying, "I'm sorry, the apartment has already been rented," people saved time and simply slammed down the receiver.

German Theft

Somewhere along the line Germans must have learned stealing was against the "rules," because in general they don't do it. Sure, there's organized crime, white collar crime, e-crime, etc., but it's unlikely these crime will directly affect you. You won't come home with stories about herds of German schoolboys surrounding you and stealing your wallet.

Useful German Phrases

How to Meet Him

If you're lucky enough to find a good-looking guy in Germany, we recommend approaching him first because Germans aren't the most brazen men. If you lack guts, you can easily manipulate the situation and give him a reason to approach you. For instance, crossing the street without the proper pedestrian green light will make him yell. And yelling can ignite a great conversation. Did you walk on the grass when the sign said not to? Oops. Did you get busted for not having a valid ticket when riding the trains? Oops again. Did you throw an aluminum can in the paper recycle bin, you little criminal? Be creative and find your own instigator. You'll find it surprisingly effortless to get your German man target riled and screaming at you. Just keep smiling and keep cool and before long you'll have a date Saturday night.

Tips for the Date

Remember that a ten minute grace period won't fare too well with your German date, so be on time to get off to a good start. We advise against asking any questions about your appearance because you may get harsh answers. In fact, you may get harsh answers without asking any questions. If he dislikes the clothes you're wearing, he'll tell you. If he thinks you look fat, he'll tell you. The same brutal honesty goes for questions directed at him. If you ask how he's doing, be prepared for an extensive discussion about his gastrointestinal problems the night before.

The phrase "going Dutch" is a misnomer. "Going German" would have been more appropriate. Be sure to bring money because it's likely you'll be splitting the bill. Also, don't expect any romantic frills. There will be no door opening, no pulling your chair out, no letting you order first, no car door holding. You may even take public transportation to get wherever you're going. Germans aren't exactly suave daters.

What You Should Know about Germany

A German man will know many gory details about your country. In fact, he can probably name more American state capitals than the majority of Americans. He'll assume you know basic history (Everyone in his country does.), so to stop from coming across as a moron, try to fake your way around things you're unfamiliar with.

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Impressing His Mother

You won't have to worry too much about impressing his mother because it's doubtful you'll meet her. If you end up getting a moment with Mom, it's unlikely he'll care about her opinion anyway.

German Girl Competition

German girls are as humorless as their male counterparts, so if you make a sarcastic comment or a joke you'll be the only one laughing. You won't even squeeze a polite smile out of her. What you will squeeze is an awkward silence or a request to explain why you're laughing. There's a lot lost if you have to explain why something is funny.

Then there's the rudeness factor. Somehow an entire culture of parents neglected to teach their daughters how to be polite. We've held many doors open for German girls without a thank you or even a smile; most girls didn't acknowledge that we were holding the door. Yeah, bitch, I have a door in my hand because it's fun.

On the other hand, if you happen to get to know a German girl well, scratch everything we said. A German girl can transform into a new person and warm up considerably. She'll be a friend until death if you can break through the ice princess exterior.

When You Want Him to Go Away

If you want to give a German guy the cold shoulder, good luck. If you think his sense of humor sucks, wait until you see his people reading skills. He's used to dealing with practical, direct Germans so he's not going to pick up on your desperate subtleties. If you pull the, "I'll be right back, I'm going to the bathroom" stunt, you'll find him waiting outside the ladies room. If you try the bathroom trick eight times in one night he'll think you have a small bladder. You've got to be direct.

Direct can be hard for a sweet American girl who's afraid of hurting other people's feelings, but you need to learn. Just tell him you're not interested. If necessary, tell him again and again and again. Don't say: "I'm no good at long distance relationships, so I don't think this is possible." He'll try all night to convince you it's the only thing in Germany that is possible. No excuses, be direct.

If you can't find it within yourself to tell him you're uninterested and you're trapped with a German pleading that you "make it work," try the bathroom excuse. When you come out and see him waiting for you, pretend not to know him. When he approaches, look very confused. In your choppiest English say, "I speak no German. I speak no English. I speak only Swahili." The instant he's thoroughly confused, make your break. Note that it's important to say Swahili. If you name any other language, Germans are likely to speak it or know someone who does. You don't want Wolfgang phoning his good friend Fritz to come translate all night.