How to Find a Man in Europe and Leave Him There

We're combining Turkish and Greek men in the same chapter not only because they behave similarly but because they'd be pissed off to be lumped as one. Each country is self-important and hates the other. They fail to recognize how similar they are. Their cuisines are nearly identical, their attitudes are identical, and who knows which was first to start the annoying trend of wearing sunglasses in a nightclub. The men in both countries over grease their hair (which desperately needs a trim) and unbutton their shirts enough to show off their gold chains and fluffy chest hair.

Potential Boyfriend Names

Four Insights into Turkish and Greek Culture

Turkish and Greek Dogs

Turkish and Greek dogs are incredibly hairy, beg a lot and try to hump your leg all night... or maybe that was their owners.

Turkish and Greek Driving

We hopped in a taxi cab in Istanbul with two Turkish guys. The guys haggled with the driver on the price. He accepted a low fare because he didn't have to turn the meter on and could pocket all the cash. As he drove to our hotel, the guys talked then burst into hysterics. Apparently the driver was explaining how drunk he was.

Turkish and Greek Time Telling Abilities

When it comes to the working day, Turkish and Greek men can't tell time. Many of them work 14 hour days and when they're done with their jobs they hang around shooting the shit with customers and co-workers.

Turkish and Greek Theft

Most Turkish and Greeks take a lot of pride in chicanery. Stealing cash from your purse won't make a good story for their buddies, but showing you a carpet that came out of the loom two days ago, dumping dirt on it, calling it an antique, and selling it to you for $900 is a fabulous one. You can leave your belongings unattended, but don't ever leave your guard down.

How to Meet Him

Don't worry about finding him, he'll find you... and he'll follow you for hours/days/your entire trip. Turkish and Greek men are very friendly. We've always been confused how they can work all day, hang out at work all night, and still attempt to spend every second of the day with us.

Tips for the Date

One tip: Don't go.

What You Should Know about Turkey and Greece

You should understand the financial structure of stores in Turkey and Greece. No item has a price tag - not carpet stores, medicine stores, grocery stores, clothing stores - nothing. Vendors talk to you for a moment, trying to make a quick calculation about how much money they can get out of you. They've decided that flirting with you and groping you will make you think you're getting a good deal. They're so pushy that an hour of shopping is physically and emotionally draining. If you don't find a boyfriend in these countries, try to befriend a shopping partner. Bringing a boy along will minimize the price and the physical contact.

What You Need To Know About Turkish and Greek Cities

Impressing His Mother

His mother will hate you. Turkish mothers want nice, fully-clothed virginal Turkish girls for their sons. Greek mothers want nice, partially-clothed virginal Greek girls for their sons. Being foreign, you'll never fit in.

Turkish and Greek Girl Competition

In some cities, Turkish girls are covered from head to toe, so it's unlikely you'll be able to tell one from the next. It's equally unlikely that you'll view a Turkish chick as competition. Instead you'll feel sorry for her because her greasy husband will make cat calls at you as they walk together down the streets. You'll feel bad for Greek women too. They're not clad in unflattering robes and their husbands won't overtly hit on you, but as soon as a woman turns her back husbands pretend they're not married.

When You Want Him to Go Away

He's full of pride, so when you decide you're sick of your Turkish or Greek guy, he's not going to go peacefully. You'll see him transform into a six year-old and he'll begin calling you names. He'll rant in his native tongue and flip furniture if it's around. You should wear protective headgear or, at the very least, a mouthpiece.