Netherlands, The: Amsterdam
Locals will tell you there is more to Amsterdam than just drugs and prostitution. Apparently the city is famous for a variety of things, including cheese, tulips, windmills and diamonds. We aren't locals though, so we're going to tell you what you really want to know about. We know you're only going to get high and look at hookers… while you're high.
There are two parts of Amsterdam, the Red Light District and the part that isn't in the Red Light District. When you get there, you'll want to find the Red Light District ASAP because this is, of course, where all the pot and hookers are. Most likely you'll be coming form the train station. It's pretty easy to find from here… go straight. If you want, there is a Tourist Information Booth as soon as you exit the doors. Here you can find all the information you need about hotels and hostels.
If you haven't booked a place to stay already, you might want to do that before you actually venture into the city. If not, a couple of things could happen: one, you might forget or two, you won't care. We know you probably think this will never happen, but before we proceed we need to tell you something else… it could. Lots of things happen in Amsterdam, much of which you probably won't remember. Expect the unexpected, and expect to forget it the next day. In any case, if you do forget to find a place to rest your head, take the train to the airport and sleep there. It's much warmer, safer, and slightly more comfortable than sleeping at the train station; just don't get pissed when the security guard kicks you in the head at 5:00 in the fucking morning and tells you to move.
Amsterdam Red Light District
Like we said before, it's a straight shot once you get out of the train station. You're going to continue past the Victorian Hotel, then take the first left. (Take note of the Sex Museum on the right side of the street. This will be a very fun place later, and it certain circumstances, it could be difficult to find.)
At this point, you will be in the heart of the Red Light District. The main drag runs along both sides of the canal. There should be enough here to keep you occupied. In fact, you may never have to leave this strip. Lots of people will tell you this is a dangerous, seedy spot of town. Some people will even tell you to avoid it. Line the streets with shops that sell drugs and whores, and suddenly you have a bad reputation. Regardless, there are a couple of things you should be aware of before you get too "involved."
Watch your wallet. We can't tell you how many times we heard, "Get her," and were followed by some dude who wanted our money. Don't worry though. There are so many people around that, unless you are a complete fucking moron (i.e. walk down a deserted alley), you will probably avoid being mugged.
Don't believe everything you read. Every sex shop has at least four glowing signs luring you in to watch a live sex show. We went to one shop and paid for live sex. All we got was some psycho half-naked Asian chick dancing around and occasionally beating the window to our little booth. Apparently she was pissed that we had crammed four people into the one-person booth. We asked the guy at the front desk for live sex. He told us to come back on the hour; they had sex on the hour and strippers in between. So we tried going on the hour, then on the next hour. Nothing.
There are also some courtesy rules you should probably be aware of. First, don't take pictures of the hookers, it's considered rude. But if you stand far enough away and are very quick about it, you can probably get at least one shot. We think the best picture can be taken on Oude Kerksplein, where you can get a shot of the church in the background.
Rule Number Two: you must order something if you are going to sit in a coffee shop. If you forget, don't worry; they will remind you. You might also read somewhere that only tourists smoke marijuana on the street. We say, who cares, you are a tourist, and you sure as hell can't do it in America.
Something else you might want to know is you can't buy beer and pot in the same place. Some places will have a bar upstairs and a coffee shop downstairs. You can either drink or smoke, but you can't do both in the same place. We assume this is some sort of safety precaution, so that you won't end up getting too fucked up… yeah, right.
Keep your head as "straight" as possible under the given circumstances and you should have an excellent, safe, and totally forgettable time.
Amsterdam Things to Do
Any Smart Shop: Here you can buy everything you will need while you are in Amsterdam. They generally carry an extensive variety of marijuana, hash-shish, mushrooms, and other herbal supplements. You can also buy the best pre-rolled joints in the world; they even come in a handy-dandy carrying case so they won't get crushed. How cool is that? The prices are reasonable, especially when you compare them to what you would pay back home. And, you can pay with credit cards… haven't you always wanted to buy drugs with a credit card? Make sure to save the receipt as a souvenir.
Any Coffee Shop: We don't have to pick them out and tell you about each one. They are all pretty much the same. Once you're in the Red Light District, they are very easy to find. Look for the places that don't have red bars of light and half naked women in the doorway…it's probably a coffee shop. Make sure to take note of the Marijuana Menus.
The Sex Museum: Located right before you enter the Red Light District. It's on the same street as the Victorian Hotel. May we suggest eating some mushrooms before you go because there is a lot to look at. Even if you don't eat the shrooms, go anyway, it's well worth it.
The Part of Amsterdam that isn't in the Red Light District
This is what people call the "nice" part of Amsterdam, but as the old proverb says: beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Amsterdam does have a lot of history though. If you care to learn about it go to the Rijks Museum. They have lots of information there. They also have a few nice paintings by a couple of guys named Rembrandt and Vermeer.
If you want to find out where you can get one of those really cool, triangular shaped boxes you see everyone walking with, go to the Van Gogh Museum. If you're a huge Van Gogh fan you'll probably be disappointed. They only have one floor with Van Gogh's stuff. They do have some really nice prints for sale though, and you get a cool box, so it's really not that bad.
The Heineken Factory Museum is quite possibly the best value in Amsterdam. The tour itself takes about 20 minutes, five minutes if you don't read anything. Why is it such a good value? Three free beers and a souvenir glass, tin, and book… need we say more?
Anne Frank's House is another place you might want to go. The lines are always long, but it's a must if you have read the book. You will be surprised at how big it is.
Apparently there is a Diamond Factory in Amsterdam. All you really need to know about diamonds is this: one, they are very expensive, two, they sparkle and would look really nice around our necks, in our ears, but not on our fingers…yet! If you want to go, ask the Tourist Information Center, they will surely point you in the right direction.
Don't be fooled into wasting your time at The Marijuana Museum. Skip this entirely, and head off to the closest coffee shop. They pretty much just tell you how they grow it. Do you really care?
On your way back to the Red Light District, make sure to stop at the Bull Dog. It's the original coffee shop and it has the best Space Cakes. (We even licked the wrapping!) If you miss the original, don't worry, Bull Dog is now a chain and shops are scattered all over Amsterdam.
Oh, and be sure to take lots of pictures! Sounds easy enough, right? Just wait. We've been twice already and have less than one roll, collectively. The important thing to remember is to try especially hard not to remember; if you "do" Amsterdam right, this won't be a problem. Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy! There really is no place else like this on Earth!
